Sunday, February 20, 2011

Improve 1, Week 6

Thank You by Mostafa Abderlrahman

Thanks for always being there for me.
Thanks for that person you helped me to be
Thanks that you never let me be alone
Thanks that forever you promise to be my own
Thanks for black memories you helped me to remove Thanks for loyalty that every day you prove
Thanks for the smile you put back on my face
Thanks that my loneliness has got no more space
Thanks for your patience that time I was so fool
Thanks you forget that whenever you get my call
If life has got some justice I'd thank you forever
It wouldn’t be enough, , , , for the best person ever

No Thank You by Ben McClain

No thank you V necks, Ed hardy or non-blind people who wear sunglasses indoors.
No thanks to your ironic Cosby sweaters two sizes too small.
NO thanks to 'men' in skinny jeans.
No thanks to any kind of liquor that comes in a plastic bottle.
No thanks to keystone, I'm not Greek.
No thanks economy, unemployment, fear mongers and Glen (Theirs no crying in politics) Beck.
No thanks to suffering, to starving families, to Bernie FUCKING Madoff
No thanks to unshared beds.
No thanks to thoughts of you.
No thanks to not being good enough.
No thanks to you.

1 comment:

  1. I can see the hazy outline of what this piece is reaching for, but I do not think it has hit the limit yet. The piece reminds me of the Eliot Khalil Wilson piece (the mock wedding vows) we looked at in class last time when workshopping Christine's draft. There's an irony here, a bitterness, but the language does not quite do it justice. There are some bits that don't show as much as they should—the first three lines fall flat to the eventual resolution of the piece. The reader does not need to be told that “Cosby sweaters two sizes too small” are “ironic.” The piece can speak for itself there, without that tell-y word. The first line has potential, but I can see so many ways it can be tweaked to be more interesting. I like the concept of pointing out “non-blind people who wear sunglasses indoors,” but that phrase seems clunky and bumpy in the wrong places. Perhaps there is a more interesting way to word it.

    I would suggest an expansion of this draft. Maybe attempt to rewrite it in a more abstract way, focusing less on the objective of getting the ironic point across and more on the language. Then, when that has been accomplished, you might go back and pare it down for meaning and work the language toward that ironic goal. This might create a more surprising outcome.