Saturday, February 5, 2011

Free Write 1, Week 4

This is my attempt at a stream-of-conscious verse. Maybe one day I'll be confident enough to not put a disclaimer at the head of each verse. :)

Its two-pairs-of-gloves cold. The kind of conditions that makes me wish I had a girlfriend or at least an Ex that still talked to me. White knuckles clutch my counter-productive cocktail and I sit on my porch, drinking every time I see a car pass. White truck, drink. Black van, drink. Green Yaris, drink twice. I’m not going to bore you with the details, but I will say that loving her is like chasing a train going in the wrong direction. Alas, the wheels go round, the trouble with that is you can’t see the mechanism while you’re riding. She told me once,”The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence” as it relegates to WMD’S and my begrudged affection. Watch me as I pull Significance out of this black top-hat and holding it by its ears I'll show the starved audience.

1 comment:

  1. Ben, I know you talked about your issues with poetry last class, but this is quite stunning. I really think you're onto something here. This type of free-write, this stream-of-consciousness paragraph, works well for you here. I see some particularly strong imagery, a lack of abstract concepts – all great stuff. “White knuckles clutch my counter-productive cocktail,” “Green Yaris, drink twice,” “you can't see the mechanism” – all of these are evocative with strong words and great sound and feel. I can read these aloud to myself and here the knocking consonants on the white knuckles line especially. That is great work.

    Suggestions for future drafts: I think you might expand this a bit so when it comes time to contract into something more poem-shaped—maybe elaborate a little more on pulling significance from the tophat? Or possibly what it's like to ride the train of feelings for this girl. Either way, more material makes for more to work with when it comes time to cut back.