Sunday, January 23, 2011

Improv 1, Week 1

The End of the Weekend by Anthony Hecht.
           "A long magnesium shaft
Of moonlight from the dormer cuts a path
Among the shatter skeletons of mice.
A great black presence beats its wings in wrath.
Above the boneyard burn its golden eyes.
some small greay fur is pulsing in its grip."

My improv, focusing on the imagry and alliteration used in above poem.

   Particles of the planet,
suspended in a Ray of it's sun.
everything is dirty and dusty and decaying.
bones crunch under my black boots and I wonder,
do you think mice want second chances
                               -B. McClain

1 comment:

  1. First, I will be picky. "It's" should be "its" and "two" if meant is confusing, and otherwise should be "too". I like the ending as a period, following the straightforward simplicity and abruptness of the poem, but the last line is actually being asked. This can easily by reconciled, either by using a question mark (I less prefer that) or by a small change such as "I wonder/ whether mice want [...]". The contrast in the language is great (sun, decay, bones, second chance); I would only suggest to write on, McClain! The longer you improvise, the more imagery you award yourself.